Forever Lost
by Inglorious DMK
Summary: Sasuke returns to Konoha after a 5 year absence... but is Naruto still waiting for him? Yaoi and het, SasuNaru, NaruHina.


Title: Forever Lost  
  
Author: Kameko-chan  
  
Pairings: Naruto/Sasuke, Naruto/Hinata  
  
Notes: This was going to be really short and simple. Then it got away on me. Done for a lyric wheel on the narutoyaoi LJ, to the song 'Hey Jealousy' by Gin Blossoms.  
  
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It's been five years since the last time I stood in this spot. Not much has changed since then... the worn stone stoop sports a few more cracks, but everything else is exactly how I remember. The door is the same shining shade of yellow that we picked out all those years ago; I still smile every time I recall how no ordinary shade would do for him. He'd wanted something bright and happy that would cheer the passerby.  
  
The color, I had noted, perfectly matched his golden blonde hair. He merely laughed and said cheekily that nothing could cheer people up more than thinking about him. Then he tugged on my own ebony locks and told me that a door the color of my hair would make people grumpy, and we didn't want that, now did we?  
  
We laughed a lot back then. Everything was light and happy and perfect beyond compare. Then I went and fucked things up.  
  
But thinking about the past isn't going to change the present. And so, I take a deep breath and raise my fist to that sunshine-yellow door, and I knock.  
  
There's some stumbling and a muffled curse from inside, and then there he is, my light, the only person in this world that I really ever loved. He hasn't changed a bit since the day I left—his hair, longer than when I first met him, hangs down to his shoulders in feathery layers and frames his face in gold, and his eyes are that same crystalline blue that haunts my memories.  
  
Ah, those eyes of his. I don't think there's ever been a moment where I couldn't look into them and been able to tell exactly what he's thinking. You can peer into his very soul when you look into those eyes, and while wearing one's emotions so openly is a terrible trait for a ninja to have... I love it. Right now I can see surprise and anger and happiness and grief and I love it all, yearn for it, need it.  
  
His exterior doesn't betray this turmoil within, though. He coolly crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe, obviously awaiting an explanation as to my sudden reappearance after such a long absence. His eyes are still fixed on mine; as he gets over his surprise that old anger froths to the surface and it seems as though his gaze burns a hole through me.   
  
I avert my gaze and lamely mumble "I'm back."  
  
"Obviously," he says, and in the biting tone it becomes obvious that he's pissed as hell, though one can't blame him. "May I ask as to why you're on my stoop, of all places?"  
  
"I've got nowhere else to go," I say absently. Damn it, I feel so stupid right now. Why am I here? What's the fucking point? I've never felt so unsure of myself in my life. But then, I look at him, and something inside me screams out that it doesn't matter how stupid I feel, I need to set things right. I need to try.  
  
My hand reaches out to brush back a stray lock of his hair, and I let it linger in that silky softness I've been yearning to touch again. He doesn't say anything, doesn't even move an inch, but those eyes of his still give him away. He's missed me almost as much as I've missed him.  
  
"I'm sorry for leaving, Naruto."   
  
There, I've finally said it. And I mean it, too, with every fiber of my being.  
  
He sighs and brushes away my hand. "Sasuke, I..."  
  
"Naruto, please." I recognize that tone. He going to tell me to leave, and I can't let that happen, not until I've had my say. "I can tell that you're still mad at me, and I'd be mad at me too, but please at least give me a chance!" I grab his shoulders and pull him tight against me. My arms wrap around his neck and my face nuzzles his hair automatically, the motions so familiar to me. "I still love you so much..."  
  
Hesitantly, he embraces me back, lean arms encircling my waist. I sigh contentedly and enjoy the closeness I've missed so much.  
  
"Sasuke, I love you too..."  
  
My pulse quickens, I hold my breath, waiting...  
  
"But..."  
  
Damnit. There it is, the dreaded 'but'. I pull away slightly—I want to look at him while he says this. I want to see what he's thinking. I can't go into this blind.  
  
I'm not prepared for the heart-wrenching grief I see in those eyes, something that just seems to say to me 'life isn't fair.'  
  
"Sasuke... you left without a word, you never got in touch with anyone to let them know how you were doing... and... well, Neji told me about what happened between you two, just so you know."  
  
I can't stop tears from welling up in my eyes, though I refuse to let them fall. So that's why he's acting so weird... fuck, I'd hoped Neji wouldn't tell him. Why did I do that? One night, just one damn night of careless passion... and it could cost me the one who holds my heart. I have to be careful, I can't fuck this up. Not this time.  
  
"Naruto," I say, staring seriously into his eyes as I keep fighting the urge to cry, "What I did with Neji... it was only one time. Once. And it was so stupid of me." I can't hold back any longer; I pull him towards me again so that he doesn't see the lone tear I couldn't keep away. "I'm so fucking sorry. I swear to you, on my life, I will never do it again. I swear."  
  
I can feel him sigh beneath my arms, and this time it is he who pulls back. He takes a full step backwards, in fact, and crosses his arms. I miss his warmth already; I'm cold even in the warmth of the spring afternoon.  
  
He can't look me in the eye. He's never done that before, and I'm frightened.  
  
He takes a deep breath, and begins to talk again. "Sasuke, after a couple of years, I didn't think you were coming back. And so..."  
  
"Naruto!" I spin around as I hear a voice sound from somewhere inside Naruto's house. The voice is high-pitched, definitely female, and oddly familiar...  
  
Hinata pokes her head out the door. "Naruto, who's at the—ah! Sasuke!" Hinata, of all people, is in Naruto's house, and she's all smiles, as usual. "What a wonderful surprise, I'm so happy that you're back!" She steps out and gives me a hug, or at least does as well as she can... her swollen belly gets in the way. I realize with a start that she must be at least 7 months pregnant. But with who's...?  
  
I push that thought out of my mind and pat her on the back. "Um, thank you, Hinata." She pulls away and beams, and I figure that she wants me to mention the obvious. "Er... congratulations." I gesture to her protruding stomach. "How far along…?"  
  
If at all possible, her smile grew wider. "Seven and a half months, thank you. Oh, Naruto, I almost forgot." She turns to him and smiles again... where does she get that endless supply of happiness? "Here, you left this on the sink after you washed the dishes." She hands him a plain gold band, which he accepts with his usual devil-may-care grin and slips on his left hand.  
  
Suddenly, everything falls into place with a jolt, like I've been punched in the gut. I try to compose myself while he's distracted trying to hustle his... wife, gods how I hate to even think that word, back into the house. He turns back to me with a pained expression on his face. "Sasuke, I'm--"  
  
I hold up a hand to stop him. "Don't apologize. It was foolish of me to think that you'd have waited for... well, it doesn't matter." I try my best to put on what I hope is a genuine-looking smile. "Congratulations."  
  
"Thank you." He casts his gaze downward again, obviously uncomfortable.  
  
"Well... I suppose I'll find somewhere else to stay tonight," I say lamely, scratching the back of my head. It's so damned hard, trying to act normally when your heart's being ripped out of your chest with such force that you can practically feel your ribs cracking. "Listen... how about we get together tomorrow afternoon, have lunch or something? We'll catch up; it'll be just like old times. Without the bitter rivalry, of course." I try to smile at the small jest, but I can't bring myself to. I'm still thinking about all the different ways I could kill Hinata and make it look like an accident, which is horrible, because she's the sweetest girl who ever lived. She shouldn't suffer from my stupidity.  
  
He stares at one of the cracks in the cement.  
  
"Actually..."  
  
No. Don't say it. Please. Don't take away what little of you I can salvage.  
  
"...I don't think we should see each other at all, Sasuke."  
  
I can't believe he said it. Why? I'm giving him up to someone else without a fight, why is he taking everything away?  
  
"It's just that, I'm with Hinata now, and it just wouldn't be right, you see. With our past and all."  
  
Deep breath, put on a fake smile. "Of course, I understand." No, I don't. No one's going to care if we spend time together! The past doesn't matter, I can live without us being together, but not to see him at all...  
  
I want to scream.   
  
I don't understand.   
  
It's not fair.  
  
"Well... I suppose I'll see you around," he says uncertainly. He turns to go into his house, and he still hasn't looked at me. What is he hiding?  
  
Once again today, realization hits.  
  
"Naruto?"  
  
He stops, but doesn't turn around.  
  
"If I didn't blow the whole thing years ago," I say, tears prickling at my eyes again, "I might be here with you, huh?"  
  
He slowly turns around, and he finally looks at me again. His eyes are so full of sorrow that it makes my heart break just to look at them. "Yeah," he whispers, "you would."  
  
And then he's gone.  
  
I make it to the end of the road before I break down and sob, screaming my anger and pain and hurt to the open sky. It's my own damn fault, for putting my petty revenge before him. I'll never forgive myself for that. Because it doesn't matter that he loves me more than he loves her, and it doesn't matter how much I love him back. He's with her now, and it's forever, and nothing's going to change that.  
  
Jealousy burns in the pit of my stomach, and I focus on it, that sick, wretched feeling. It's all I have left now, after all.  
  
Hey, jealousy.  
  
~END~  
  
Well, there it is. Kinda weird, but I had fun writing it ^_^ 


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